Normal. Is that a word?

"Ahhhhhh all the months of glorious sobriety will bring you nothing but happiness and joy."  BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! 

I can hear someone maybe saying that to me, and I can also see myself running into traffic when I hear that. 

Who am I kiddin?  Myself?  Oh, for freaking sure. 

First off, let me say that I never thought that I would get back half of the things that I lost on my path of self destruction.  With a ton of hard work, more hard work, and a side of hard work, I have managed to overcome anxiety and get little things back.... like, you know, a bank account.  A bank account you might say?  Doesn't everyone have one of those?  UH NO.  They don't.  Who needs money in an account when you can't fit it into a vodka bottle? 

I don't know.  Anxiety is a hard thing to overcome when your main point of everyday, in the end, is not to take a drink.  Do not take a zanny bar, etc.  So, I overcome that...... little by the little the anxiety lessens, but this DOES NOT mean that the thoughts that I had before are not the same now.  The only difference is that I get to deal with my emotions without nifty little things like benzos.  It's raw, and it's unforgiving.

Talk about unforgiving.  People.  Some people are unforgiving and by now I have figured out who is who.  The "who's who" of still thinking that you are a worthless piece of shit that will never change.  This is all very fine and dandy until they are directly affecting your life, and then it kind of becomes the elephant in the room.  It's a very small room, and a very large elephant.  Not that the elephant in question is an elephant, but it's just a saying, and the way it came out, so deal with it.  NO, I don't know if they are the size of an elephant. 

Anyhoo..... . . . . .
In my mind I have pictured how I want my future to be, and it is so attainable I can taste it, hell, I can even borrow it and give it back later, but it's not mine.  You know it's small steps I guess, so if I can borrow it, isn't that better than not having it at all?

Certainly Not.

I have tasted the good life.  Like getting up in the morning, and having someone be there for you.  I have even had the occasion just to sit outside and enjoy the plants that I planted, in the pots that I bought.  I haven't done that in soooooo long.  I used to have so many plants.  So many plants that it was annoying.  Who would have thought that plants, or the lack thereof, would be some kind of symbol of happiness or serenity in my life.  I know that they are in other people's lives, like buddhists, but I am not one of those, even though the offer is becoming more and more enticing everyday. 

I know that you are thinking blah blah blah, everyone wants that.  Normal.  There is no normal, Jaime.  You are a fool if you think that!  And my answer to that would be.....  I want my normal DAMN IT.  I want a house (not mine own, because I am still not that fixed financially, come on folks, I just got a bank account again) I want to wake up in the same bed everyday, I want to love someone with all of the love that I have to give.  And, that's lots.

Some people may think that I am cruel, and uncaring, but that's just a front for how freaking annoyingly sensitive I really am. 

How is it that one person can puppet how you live your life?  Well, not one person.  I obviously had a hand in my puppet, because I did everything I could do to destroy what I had, and then when I didn't think I could fuck it up worse I fucked it up again.

I am not that person anymore.  I would happily walk around with a breathalyzer stuck out of my mouth, or pee in a cup for anyone that want to think that I may, or I may not, be living on the up and up.

The problem is everything right is sometimes never quite enough. 

In the end I just want to have a happiness, and an overwhelming sense of peace, that makes me want to go to sleep, and to know that I did the very best with my day.  That I have been karma conscious, and I live everyday trying to make tomorrow better.

ugh. 





 

Ethanol Challenged.

Sometimes I do want to take a drink.  But you know what?  I don't.  Not for any reason other than the bizillion reasons that I have to not drink.  I am not far from where I was last year and one cocktail can singlehandedly put me right where I was this time last year.

Let's take time to reflect for a second just to make sure that I haven't forgotten.  This time last year I was almost ready for rehab.  I was getting kicked out of yet another person's house that let me stay there (because I am family) on the promise that I would get a job that I didn't get because of my drinking.

If you rewind a little bit further I got kicked out of my home and all of my bags were put in my vehicle while I sat there crying.  I was given a little money to go away with, but in the end this is how I got kicked out of my home.  After that I ended up in the psych ward at the hospital in some crazy circumstances that started with my mother and ended with my mother and well...  I don't really need to go into more detail there.

That was just 2 months before I decided to get sober for real this time.

I lost everything in my life.  And I'm not saying that in a pitiful poor me way.  NO REALLY.  I lost everything.  I lost my daugher, my house, my relationship(s), friends and lovers, my clothes, my jobs, my furnishings.

I think people who don't know me don't understand the gravity of them asking me "are you drinking again?"

And I guess that if it were warranted I would deserve it. But, it's not.

I do the very best that I can every day.

I get back a little bit of me everyday.  I get back a little of what I lost everyday.

I have worked to be where I am today.   I deserve to be where I am today.

I love the people that stand by my side and know me.

So....  Thank you.  You know who you are.

It's not even a B movie.

I seem to be stuck in the same conversation.  You can call it life it you want, but i prefer to call it a B movie.  It's one of those movies that leaves you hanging.... You're like WHAT???  This clearly can't be the end.

Of course it's not.  It's my life. 

Over the course of the past nine months I have learned some very valuable lessons.  The main one is to never trust anyone, and the second (yet very most important) is not to put your heart out there.

This may sound like rules for a hooker..streetwalker...or prositute.  Hey i have never been down on those girls and most of them are very smart.  The ones I met in rehab were anyway.

It's both fortunate and unfortunate to meet people.  Cue plastic bubble please. 
         *** or one of those little tiny violins that people use when they don't feel sorry for you.


I have had the misfortune to have almost two of the almost exact same conversations with two totally differant people over the last two weeks....

Which makes the whole dead person stuck in my fridge dream seem like a frolicking through a meadow of daisies barefoot kind of dream.

All i know is that all I can be is me.  I am happy with that.  Today I am anyway.  I cannot put blame in people for moving on with their lives while I try to mend my very own freaking disaster. 

I would call it a disaster of epic proportions, but that's just me.  I tend to overexaggerate but it's my life and my blog so i can..... well I just can.

I am glad to be sober today.  Sometimes i'm like damn I need a drink, but i swear you couldn't make this stuff up if you were fucked up.  It would be to hard.  Like a chore.  Much like raking leaves.  No matter how much you do it (over and over) there are still leaves. 

Mostly before i was the cause of all of the drama I had in my life.  The drama is still there.  And yes CARRIE... I tend to bring most of it on myself.  How could i not?  Do i not answer the phone?  Do i not leave the house?  At least now I am aware of the terrible and not so terrible mistakes i am making.

I says to myself... Self:  Are you making a bad decision?  Self:  Yes Jaime you are making a very bad decision.  Self:  Well I always learn the hard way.  Damn. (or you could insert amy's voice)

How can I always be so right, and always be so wrong???

Let's take family for a minute.  Where do they come from?  Who gives them to you?  Did I pick a short straw?  Was I a serial killer in a former life?

Who ever was in charge on handing out families on the day I was born....Sucks!

Minutes over.

Well, i'm at the end of my rant.  You know i've had that thing... that stop you in your tracks... heart pounding moment in your life... several times.  The good kind.  And it's there, it's still there for me.

All i have to do is press the play button to see how this B movie turns out.  Maybe it's not a B movie afterall....... A tragic love story maybe?  Who knows.  But in the meantime.... I think I'll grab a bag of popcorn and watch.



Bacon Wrapped Shrimp...

Life doesn't pull out a giant "feel good" sign once you have quit drinking.  Quite possibly it throws things in your path.  Gravel,  rose petals, and bacon wrapped shrimp. 

I've had all kinds of things happen in my life over the past 2 months.  Which is probably why i feel like my head has been shoved into a fish bowl....glub glub....

I ended a relationship with someone that i care a great deal for.  Care can not signify long term relationship status and where a long time ago that would have been enough for me, today it is not.

What i need is________.  Good question.  I cannot answer what I do not know.  I know a lot of things. I know that i love to feel love.  I know that emotions suck.  I know that my emotions/feelings change as almost as frequently as the tide. 

There are some things that are constants.  Things that have gone away but have never really left.  Things that i destroyed in a wake of self destruction that had such an impact on the people that were around me, that loved, and cared for me.  I do have a huge effect of people's lives.  It's almost selfish for me to think that i don't.  That people never cared for me and that what i was going through effected others just as much (if not more) than if effected me.

Do you go back for things that you once held so close to your heart, knowing that you are the one that let it go?  Even if that wasn't your intent your actions did that, so in effect it is your choice. 

Feeling so right, what is normal or what used to be my normal comes crashing in on me like an unexpected wave upon the beach. 

If you are given that choice again...given that choice.....it is a very special thing.  It's like a butterfly - so fragile- It's wings of the finest blown glass.  You treasure it.  You take it for what it is worth.  A gift.  A treasure.  Every moment that i have is a treasure. 

Every moment cannot be as good as bacon wrapped shrimp, but I can sure try.

I'm a walking infomercial. Like the "shake weight" but better.

I say that if you live in a recovery house and it makes you want to drink you need to get the fuck out and that is exactly what i did.  Probably not in the smoothest manner....being that i have learned that i never do ANYTHING the easy way.  I mean really.......Who gives a flying fig if I don't come home or if I don't do my "chore" apparently people could do whatever it is they wanted to do there.  Anyway....

They voted me off of the island.

Yep...i got kicked out b/c of non compliance or whatever the hell it is.  Basically it was a select shitty person who didn't want me there and basically it was the one that was fucking with all of the rules that did it.  Good lord man.  So what happens??  She ends up moving out anyway....and I??  What happened to me?  I got a really sweet place to live and an awesome roommate.  I no longer have to be guided by rules and regulations and I can go about being a normal adult, in a normal world, and have a normal place to live...whatever that means. 

Also....I  got a promotion!! Yep that's me moving on up in the world.  I like being seen for what I can do in life instead of seeing others for what they can do for me and that is what I did for so long.  I wish that people would understand that my attitude toward my life and my work is not to be serious all of the time, but to take it seriously.  I know that recovery is supposed to be fun and I do have fun, but not at the expense of me looking like i am an idiot....or acting 12 when i am clearly 33, even though i don't look like i'm a bit over 20.

I call bullshit on that previous statement.

I mean you can be an addict all of your life.  You don't have to have it BE your life.  I love recovery and what it has done for me and I love the house that I lived in because of what it did for me.  But I, in many ways am the same person that I was before I became such a fucking disasterous drunk.  I know that I have to do things differently now.  I have gotten so many of the things that I have lost back, and am getting more back every day.  What I did lose doesn't have a price tag, but is the most expensive thing of all.....and i'll be damned if i am going to let my selfishness cost me that again. 

Being an addict is something that you can't control.  But once you learn the tools of how to take care of your addiction and you let all of that go out of the window, then that ladies and gentlemen is all of your fault and no one else's.  No life isn't fair, and once you stop drinking it's not like you won some prize and everything will be OK.  That isn't how life works.  Things are pretty much still going to suck ass sometimes.  I personally prefer dealing with things sober now, then dealing with them when I was a hot mess.  Clearly any good idea that i thought that I had probably was A TERRIBLE idea to begin with.  Even sober some of my ideas pretty much suck. 

So i have six months now S O B E R.....that's right.  NO drugs or alcohol.  That also means no pot or zanax (for all of those concerned with my choices other than alcohol).  This does not include all of the caffeine, nicotine, and energy drinks that i can sometimes cram into my body to stay awake.  Staying sober takes energy, and who would have thought it but so does being a responsible adult. 

Now i am the first person to say that I thought that i would never be clean this long.  Let's count back to all of the detox, drug rehabs, and hospitals that i have been a frequent flyer to the past 3 years...OK lets not do that.  Anyway you get my point.  There is a point...everyone has this point that you just can't take it anymore.  And I couldn't take the hurt, and despair that I was essentially causing myself and blaming others for.  All of the people that I cared about and lost.  I thought that it was them...NO NO it was you Jaime it was YOU that made your life a hot mess.  

Anyway....Today my life isn't a hot mess and I am happy.  I am happy in my own skin and I like it.  Take that back.

I love it.

My Self

"Save me from the bondage that is thy self." What a true and complete statement.

I am sorry. Sorry for what happened or what i did or what you did.

Sorry in the largest sense of the word. Bigger than you or I. Anything that we are and anything that was loved and lost or emotions that were or were not.

Emotionally vulnerable. Finding yourself and trying to find the person that i am, that i always have been. And having that exposed on the outside of my being and my soul and feeling my weakness in my knees, my hands and my heart. Finding myself and all of my many many layers as a human, a soul, a mother, a friend. ME.



An awakening in your heart of what has been lost and what you never got in the first place. Where you are incapable of being present. Incapable of being....aware. Self indulgence. Self loathing. Self Self Self..... Save me from the bondage that is thy self. Not knowing yourself, running away from yourself your feelings your conscious. consciousness. i breath and am aware and i cry. i wake up and know myself a little better. emotionally vulnerable, not bankrupt.


All of this is about me myself. I am comfortable in my own skin...i am not scared or today or tomorrow. i am aware and present. i am happy for what may or may not be. happy for what is. I was told to me good to myself. i haven't been i have been scared. not present. self loathing. pitiful might be a good word...sounds ordinary and sad. it's a perfect word.....describing me and who i once was. Not being able to give to anyone b/c i was afraid of myself or giving to myself. myself. I am aware of others feelings. I know that hatred and anger are reflections of what is on the inside, what is going on with others, and i cannot control what happens on some elses side of the street. keeping my side of the street clean. i guess the do unto others thing, that sounds hokey. it's true. spiritually and not religiously.


i feel the wind on my skin like it's the fist time an awakening a spiritual enlightenment. peace from within. no more torment or pain or weakness. sorrow. i grieve for who i was that person that tormented soul. that anger that i have still anger within. anger is fear fear is pain pain is relenting and freeing and it aches. how it feels to just to cry to be. just be. and know you are. just what you are for today...not for tomorrow b/c tomorrow is free of plans. virtuous. love. revealing. naked. naked is what i am giving you now. me. scared. happiness. love for who you are and what you brought to my life and what you taught me. This is me.

guided by disguise

August 13, 2010




I was apparently bothered by the fact that my sponsor fired me. I have really had no desire to go to any aa meetings. I dunno. Lately it seems like there has been a bunch of whining little babies in the rooms. I have been thinking about going into the na program but all of the good meetings are at night.

The girls in na seem a lot cooler than the ones in aa. Frankly I think that most of the younger women feel like they are special in some kind of way. Hell, you are going to AA it’s not a fucking fashion show. I have a friend of mine that calls it a recovery parade and that’s exactly what it is.

Maybe I’ll make it a habit to go to meetings that I have never gone to. Maybe I should join another fellowship altogether.

They have step meetings for EVERYTHING.

I should find a step meeting for procrastinators….one for people who can’t find enough to bitch about, and maybe one for people who smoke to much. I don’t want a program to make me stop smoking all together, but maybe one that will help me slow down.


While I’m joining all of these groups, because I have so much spare time to sit around and hear people bitch and moan about life in general why don’t I just find a support group for people addicted to support groups. Or better yet why don’t I find a support group that’s dedicated to having to endure all of the bitching that is done in support groups.

As I read back on this I think I sure do bitch a lot, but in my defense I think that it’s contagious. And even if people aren’t bitching….you know they are thinking about it.

Just like I don’t like those fucking <3 (hearts) that people put all over their face book pages. Obviously those of us who aren’t morons know what love is. Why do we have to attach a dumb little heart on it. Frankly I think that those people should walk around having to wear a heart sweatshirt that was purchased at wal mart on a post valentine sale.

Woah is me.

August 16, 2010

I am so aggravated lately. I know this is b/c my monthly friend stopped in for a visit, but damn….people are aggravating me. I think that more people should think about what they do and say before they do it. I KNOW that I am guilty of the same thing but I try to be aware.

I mean really, at what point do you think it’s a good idea to ride by my work and yell out the window. Now I have expressed my dislike for this action, but I am feeling that there wasn’t a sincere apology there. I mean I just don’t randomly drive by people’s work and yell out my car window.

I don’t even yell out my car window anyway so whatever.
Almost rear ending the car infront of me when i see someone i know is a different story.

Also there is a democratic process to the rules that I am living under. I am thinking AGAIN….this all boils down to personalities before principals which is exactly the opposite of what I and everyone else in the recovery world should be living under.
I hate feeling used. I don’t know it’s just not a good feeling. Like…are you my friend just b/c you need something? Or are you my friend because you are my friend? The ramblings of an addictive mind are so fucking overwhelming.


Am I thinking this because I’m an addict, or am I thinking this because I am a human with basic needs and emotions.

Are some of the standards that I set for other people too high?

Well, of course they are. You cannot put standards on other people and I should have learned this by now.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

So from now on I believe I will sit and watch the utter chaos of existence happen, and not try to get to involved and just breathe.

Just for today anyway. And be kind to myself.