I can hear someone maybe saying that to me, and I can also see myself running into traffic when I hear that.
Who am I kiddin? Myself? Oh, for freaking sure.
First off, let me say that I never thought that I would get back half of the things that I lost on my path of self destruction. With a ton of hard work, more hard work, and a side of hard work, I have managed to overcome anxiety and get little things back.... like, you know, a bank account. A bank account you might say? Doesn't everyone have one of those? UH NO. They don't. Who needs money in an account when you can't fit it into a vodka bottle?
I don't know. Anxiety is a hard thing to overcome when your main point of everyday, in the end, is not to take a drink. Do not take a zanny bar, etc. So, I overcome that...... little by the little the anxiety lessens, but this DOES NOT mean that the thoughts that I had before are not the same now. The only difference is that I get to deal with my emotions without nifty little things like benzos. It's raw, and it's unforgiving.
Talk about unforgiving. People. Some people are unforgiving and by now I have figured out who is who. The "who's who" of still thinking that you are a worthless piece of shit that will never change. This is all very fine and dandy until they are directly affecting your life, and then it kind of becomes the elephant in the room. It's a very small room, and a very large elephant. Not that the elephant in question is an elephant, but it's just a saying, and the way it came out, so deal with it. NO, I don't know if they are the size of an elephant.
Anyhoo..... . . . . .
In my mind I have pictured how I want my future to be, and it is so attainable I can taste it, hell, I can even borrow it and give it back later, but it's not mine. You know it's small steps I guess, so if I can borrow it, isn't that better than not having it at all?
Certainly Not.
I have tasted the good life. Like getting up in the morning, and having someone be there for you. I have even had the occasion just to sit outside and enjoy the plants that I planted, in the pots that I bought. I haven't done that in soooooo long. I used to have so many plants. So many plants that it was annoying. Who would have thought that plants, or the lack thereof, would be some kind of symbol of happiness or serenity in my life. I know that they are in other people's lives, like buddhists, but I am not one of those, even though the offer is becoming more and more enticing everyday.
I know that you are thinking blah blah blah, everyone wants that. Normal. There is no normal, Jaime. You are a fool if you think that! And my answer to that would be..... I want my normal DAMN IT. I want a house (not mine own, because I am still not that fixed financially, come on folks, I just got a bank account again) I want to wake up in the same bed everyday, I want to love someone with all of the love that I have to give. And, that's lots.
Some people may think that I am cruel, and uncaring, but that's just a front for how freaking annoyingly sensitive I really am.
How is it that one person can puppet how you live your life? Well, not one person. I obviously had a hand in my puppet, because I did everything I could do to destroy what I had, and then when I didn't think I could fuck it up worse I fucked it up again.
I am not that person anymore. I would happily walk around with a breathalyzer stuck out of my mouth, or pee in a cup for anyone that want to think that I may, or I may not, be living on the up and up.
The problem is everything right is sometimes never quite enough.
In the end I just want to have a happiness, and an overwhelming sense of peace, that makes me want to go to sleep, and to know that I did the very best with my day. That I have been karma conscious, and I live everyday trying to make tomorrow better.
ugh.
