My Self

"Save me from the bondage that is thy self." What a true and complete statement.

I am sorry. Sorry for what happened or what i did or what you did.

Sorry in the largest sense of the word. Bigger than you or I. Anything that we are and anything that was loved and lost or emotions that were or were not.

Emotionally vulnerable. Finding yourself and trying to find the person that i am, that i always have been. And having that exposed on the outside of my being and my soul and feeling my weakness in my knees, my hands and my heart. Finding myself and all of my many many layers as a human, a soul, a mother, a friend. ME.



An awakening in your heart of what has been lost and what you never got in the first place. Where you are incapable of being present. Incapable of being....aware. Self indulgence. Self loathing. Self Self Self..... Save me from the bondage that is thy self. Not knowing yourself, running away from yourself your feelings your conscious. consciousness. i breath and am aware and i cry. i wake up and know myself a little better. emotionally vulnerable, not bankrupt.


All of this is about me myself. I am comfortable in my own skin...i am not scared or today or tomorrow. i am aware and present. i am happy for what may or may not be. happy for what is. I was told to me good to myself. i haven't been i have been scared. not present. self loathing. pitiful might be a good word...sounds ordinary and sad. it's a perfect word.....describing me and who i once was. Not being able to give to anyone b/c i was afraid of myself or giving to myself. myself. I am aware of others feelings. I know that hatred and anger are reflections of what is on the inside, what is going on with others, and i cannot control what happens on some elses side of the street. keeping my side of the street clean. i guess the do unto others thing, that sounds hokey. it's true. spiritually and not religiously.


i feel the wind on my skin like it's the fist time an awakening a spiritual enlightenment. peace from within. no more torment or pain or weakness. sorrow. i grieve for who i was that person that tormented soul. that anger that i have still anger within. anger is fear fear is pain pain is relenting and freeing and it aches. how it feels to just to cry to be. just be. and know you are. just what you are for today...not for tomorrow b/c tomorrow is free of plans. virtuous. love. revealing. naked. naked is what i am giving you now. me. scared. happiness. love for who you are and what you brought to my life and what you taught me. This is me.

guided by disguise

August 13, 2010




I was apparently bothered by the fact that my sponsor fired me. I have really had no desire to go to any aa meetings. I dunno. Lately it seems like there has been a bunch of whining little babies in the rooms. I have been thinking about going into the na program but all of the good meetings are at night.

The girls in na seem a lot cooler than the ones in aa. Frankly I think that most of the younger women feel like they are special in some kind of way. Hell, you are going to AA it’s not a fucking fashion show. I have a friend of mine that calls it a recovery parade and that’s exactly what it is.

Maybe I’ll make it a habit to go to meetings that I have never gone to. Maybe I should join another fellowship altogether.

They have step meetings for EVERYTHING.

I should find a step meeting for procrastinators….one for people who can’t find enough to bitch about, and maybe one for people who smoke to much. I don’t want a program to make me stop smoking all together, but maybe one that will help me slow down.


While I’m joining all of these groups, because I have so much spare time to sit around and hear people bitch and moan about life in general why don’t I just find a support group for people addicted to support groups. Or better yet why don’t I find a support group that’s dedicated to having to endure all of the bitching that is done in support groups.

As I read back on this I think I sure do bitch a lot, but in my defense I think that it’s contagious. And even if people aren’t bitching….you know they are thinking about it.

Just like I don’t like those fucking <3 (hearts) that people put all over their face book pages. Obviously those of us who aren’t morons know what love is. Why do we have to attach a dumb little heart on it. Frankly I think that those people should walk around having to wear a heart sweatshirt that was purchased at wal mart on a post valentine sale.

Woah is me.

August 16, 2010

I am so aggravated lately. I know this is b/c my monthly friend stopped in for a visit, but damn….people are aggravating me. I think that more people should think about what they do and say before they do it. I KNOW that I am guilty of the same thing but I try to be aware.

I mean really, at what point do you think it’s a good idea to ride by my work and yell out the window. Now I have expressed my dislike for this action, but I am feeling that there wasn’t a sincere apology there. I mean I just don’t randomly drive by people’s work and yell out my car window.

I don’t even yell out my car window anyway so whatever.
Almost rear ending the car infront of me when i see someone i know is a different story.

Also there is a democratic process to the rules that I am living under. I am thinking AGAIN….this all boils down to personalities before principals which is exactly the opposite of what I and everyone else in the recovery world should be living under.
I hate feeling used. I don’t know it’s just not a good feeling. Like…are you my friend just b/c you need something? Or are you my friend because you are my friend? The ramblings of an addictive mind are so fucking overwhelming.


Am I thinking this because I’m an addict, or am I thinking this because I am a human with basic needs and emotions.

Are some of the standards that I set for other people too high?

Well, of course they are. You cannot put standards on other people and I should have learned this by now.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

So from now on I believe I will sit and watch the utter chaos of existence happen, and not try to get to involved and just breathe.

Just for today anyway. And be kind to myself.

Princess Brat.........

 The worst thing about being ignored is putting yourself out there and......being ignored.  I am the type of person that demands a response.  I am the type of person that pushes until i do get a response even though it might not be the one I want.  Do not spare my feelings....please.

I have heard that being in recovery is like "look at me, look at me" and then on the flip side it's like "What are you looking at?  Stop looking at me".

If any one says that they do things for people and never expect anything in return they are full of shit.  Full of such shit that you would need a backhoe to get out of it.  Even though if the only thing you get out of it is the JOY of helping someone else......i just vomited a little in my mouth.

Sobriety is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Honestly i cannot tell you when i was sober for an extended period of time other then this time......It's always been trading in one thing for another.  Mostly anything that had to do with vodka or bourbon.

I am not equipped to deal with all of these feelings.  My best friend Carrie said that i have always needed validation.  That's at least a decade or so of her knowing that I need validation. 
The relationship that I have with her is the only one that I have not successfully destroyed.  She has stuck it out with me through everything and knows me better than anyone.  Including how well I know myself.

So i'm needy....who isn't?  Is it because of my childhood?  Is it because my boyfriend dumped me in the 3rd grade?  Is it because I don't know my real father?  Is it because the father that I have hasn't been present and is incapable of expressing feelings other than distaste and resentments????  Who knows.  And at this point who cares?  I'm 33 years old and a lot of my mold has been cast.

Some people think that I'm a bitch.  I act like this doesn't bother me. NEWSFLASH...it does.  I don't like people to be mad at me or to not like me.  The kicker is that not EVERYONE is going to like me.  And the shocker is that I am not always the easiest person to get along with.

I recently have opened myself up to a person and I think that that was a bad idea.  If my sponsor hadn't fired me she would tell me that WAS a BAD idea.  Epsecially one of the opposite sex.  I thought it would be a good idea to do things differently.  This time I would open up.  This time I would tell how I feel.  This time I would trust someone.  What dumbass thought that was a good idea?  Oh wait that dumbass would be me. 

Ok I'm not a dumbass.  I take that back.  You never grow emotionally unless you put yourself out there.  And then you have that old saying that goes "hindsight is 20/20"  well duh.  Thanks to what brilliant mind started that quote.  I guess it was a nice way of saying "you shouldn't have done that..dumbass".

Anyway today I don't have to settle.  You do if you are drinking yourself into oblivion.  Subconsciously you're thinking....thank god someone is stupid enough to hang out with me, and my woe is me's.

Fact is this....everyone has problems in life.  With mine you have to throw in addiction.  It's not like it's some disease that no one else has ever had and I can't use it as a crutch.  Fact of the matter is it can work out wih it's advantages like if some asshole guy asks you out to a bar you can be like "Sorry, no I don't drink. I'm an alcoholic."  See?  It has it's advantages.

Don't Pick A Sponsor Just Because You Like Her.......Shoes.

I got fired.

By my sponsor.

So you may ask is this possible.  And the answer is yes!  You can also fire your sponsor, but i didn't get around to firing her first.  It's kind of like ending a relationship without the sex.  They know everything about you.  She even has my drunk a log.  She has in writing all of the self induced hell that I put myself through for the past three years.  I personally would rather have naked sex movies of me floating around on the internet but I guess that's a story for a different day.

All I know is that bitch is crazy.  I kind of liked it though in an endearing crazy hoarding aunt kind of way,

but then after awhile you can't show them off at the dinner table anymore and it sort of looses it's appeal.  Mostly I found it to be a headache.  I know some of it's my fault because we became "friends".  Apparently you are not supposed to do that with sponsors. 

She says I have to much drama.  And i say; "Say it isn't so!"  I've got my shocked look on.  You mean to tell me that someone in early recovery living in a recovery house with other recovering women might be a little drama filled.  Why that's just nuts.  Personally I think it's a spiritual journey into the inner sanctum of hell at times but mostly it's just OK.

I have trouble with trust to begin with.  You tell me the sky is blue I have to look.  That's just the way that it is and unless some miracle happens i suppose i am always going to be that way.  I try to trust people and I just get my feelings hurt and I DO NOT LIKE THAT.  It's about the same feelings that I have about dentists  I don't like them.  I loathe it and I'm not going to go there unless I have to.  Which is about every six months and that is just to much.

So now I'm on another journey to find someone who has more sobriety than me and has worked the steps to tell me 'suggestively' how to run my life.  What meetings I go to.  Who I see.  Where I go.  Who I sleep with.  Etc.  That sounds fun doesn't it.  I'm feeling happy, joyous and free about the whole thing.

And another note:  Do NOT make your homegroup the same one as your sponsor.  That's like going to work with your boyfriend.  When you break up you're still going to have to look at that fucker.

Work in Progress.

     I am a recovering raging alcoholic.  I began this journey into the world of sobriety almost 5 months ago.  That's after losing my sanity, my life, and everything that goes with being a "productive" member of society.  Before this began I spent time in 3 different rehabs, countless hospitals, and was only steps away an extended stay at a jail or prison. 

This is my life.

I live in a recovery house.  If you told me that I would be living with 5 different women with 95 different personalities 5 months ago i would have told you to go fuck yourself.  Really.  What has transpired in these last months though is something amazing.....I am learning that I can play well with others.  Sometimes.

I am a stubborn, opinionated, independent, dependent, woman who thinks the world and everything in it should revolve around me, and then me some more.  But what woman doesn't right??  The difference for me is is that I get to take a close look at my faults everyday doing something that is called step work.  What I like to call it is a huge pain in the ass.  Who in there right mind would like to look at your faults on a daily basis, analyze them, and THEN make a consious effort to do the right thing?  Personally, months ago, and today i would rather do virtually anything else.  But, i remind myself that my life was one freaking HOT MESS and I have to take my personal inventory on a daily basis.  Wat I don't like is that I don't have control over what happens around me, but what I do have control over is how I handle the situations.

Did I just say that?  I am full of contridictions.  Is this right?  Is this wrong?  Am I doing the right thing?  Am i sensitive enough?  Am i placing prnicipals before personalities?

AM I A BITCH?????                                  probably.

So i'm going to try this blog thing out and see how it works for me.  First of all I want to apoligize to anyone up front that I am going to make angry or offend,  but i promise to not use your real names.  I have been told many times that I should right a book, and this is just about as close as I am going to come.

My life prior to being sober, would have probably been more interesting but that would require me to remember it - which i don't - mostly.