The worst thing about being ignored is putting yourself out there and......being ignored. I am the type of person that demands a response. I am the type of person that pushes until i do get a response even though it might not be the one I want. Do not spare my feelings....please.
I have heard that being in recovery is like "look at me, look at me" and then on the flip side it's like "What are you looking at? Stop looking at me".
If any one says that they do things for people and never expect anything in return they are full of shit. Full of such shit that you would need a backhoe to get out of it. Even though if the only thing you get out of it is the JOY of helping someone else......i just vomited a little in my mouth.
Sobriety is the hardest thing I have ever done. Honestly i cannot tell you when i was sober for an extended period of time other then this time......It's always been trading in one thing for another. Mostly anything that had to do with vodka or bourbon.
I am not equipped to deal with all of these feelings. My best friend Carrie said that i have always needed validation. That's at least a decade or so of her knowing that I need validation.
The relationship that I have with her is the only one that I have not successfully destroyed. She has stuck it out with me through everything and knows me better than anyone. Including how well I know myself.
So i'm needy....who isn't? Is it because of my childhood? Is it because my boyfriend dumped me in the 3rd grade? Is it because I don't know my real father? Is it because the father that I have hasn't been present and is incapable of expressing feelings other than distaste and resentments???? Who knows. And at this point who cares? I'm 33 years old and a lot of my mold has been cast.
Some people think that I'm a bitch. I act like this doesn't bother me. NEWSFLASH...it does. I don't like people to be mad at me or to not like me. The kicker is that not EVERYONE is going to like me. And the shocker is that I am not always the easiest person to get along with.
I recently have opened myself up to a person and I think that that was a bad idea. If my sponsor hadn't fired me she would tell me that WAS a BAD idea. Epsecially one of the opposite sex. I thought it would be a good idea to do things differently. This time I would open up. This time I would tell how I feel. This time I would trust someone. What dumbass thought that was a good idea? Oh wait that dumbass would be me.
Ok I'm not a dumbass. I take that back. You never grow emotionally unless you put yourself out there. And then you have that old saying that goes "hindsight is 20/20" well duh. Thanks to what brilliant mind started that quote. I guess it was a nice way of saying "you shouldn't have done that..dumbass".
Anyway today I don't have to settle. You do if you are drinking yourself into oblivion. Subconsciously you're thinking....thank god someone is stupid enough to hang out with me, and my woe is me's.
Fact is this....everyone has problems in life. With mine you have to throw in addiction. It's not like it's some disease that no one else has ever had and I can't use it as a crutch. Fact of the matter is it can work out wih it's advantages like if some asshole guy asks you out to a bar you can be like "Sorry, no I don't drink. I'm an alcoholic." See? It has it's advantages.
Hi, is it Jaime? I'm not sure because I speak Spanish and I know that's generally a man's name. Thanks for following my shit blog, your's is much better writen, IMO. Let me tell you where I am coming from as far as the booze is concerned. I had my last serious drink, almost 3 years ago. I am currently 56 and was drinking a bottle plus of, in my case Vodka, since I was 25. I went to an AA meeting, but to be honest with you, I found it a bit depressing with all the talk about God! You wouldn't have wanted to go out for a drink with any of them if you take my meaning! Anyway so I just stopped. It was hardish at first, but I have a lot of will power so I got there in the end. I still have a very occasional and I mean occasional drink, like a few glasses of wine, but I'm at the stage now when I can more or less control it. Just see it as a 'demon' who is trying to take control of you if you have a drink. Obviously everyone is different, but the most important thing is to admit it to yourself. You're probably past that stage by now and we can all make excuses as to why we drunk too much. In my own case, I don't have the 'traumas' that you are making your excuses, I just fucking liked a drink! Forget all that 'sponsor' shite, you don't need that, just do it yourself. You're lucky in that you look young enough that it has affected you physically. I've got a problem with my foot down to diabetes caused probably by drink, but I just have to live with that. Anyway HoneyBunch, you know where I am if you need a talk and drop in and leave a comment on my blog, next time you're visiting, that's what makes writing it worthwhile.
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