guided by disguise

August 13, 2010




I was apparently bothered by the fact that my sponsor fired me. I have really had no desire to go to any aa meetings. I dunno. Lately it seems like there has been a bunch of whining little babies in the rooms. I have been thinking about going into the na program but all of the good meetings are at night.

The girls in na seem a lot cooler than the ones in aa. Frankly I think that most of the younger women feel like they are special in some kind of way. Hell, you are going to AA it’s not a fucking fashion show. I have a friend of mine that calls it a recovery parade and that’s exactly what it is.

Maybe I’ll make it a habit to go to meetings that I have never gone to. Maybe I should join another fellowship altogether.

They have step meetings for EVERYTHING.

I should find a step meeting for procrastinators….one for people who can’t find enough to bitch about, and maybe one for people who smoke to much. I don’t want a program to make me stop smoking all together, but maybe one that will help me slow down.


While I’m joining all of these groups, because I have so much spare time to sit around and hear people bitch and moan about life in general why don’t I just find a support group for people addicted to support groups. Or better yet why don’t I find a support group that’s dedicated to having to endure all of the bitching that is done in support groups.

As I read back on this I think I sure do bitch a lot, but in my defense I think that it’s contagious. And even if people aren’t bitching….you know they are thinking about it.

Just like I don’t like those fucking <3 (hearts) that people put all over their face book pages. Obviously those of us who aren’t morons know what love is. Why do we have to attach a dumb little heart on it. Frankly I think that those people should walk around having to wear a heart sweatshirt that was purchased at wal mart on a post valentine sale.

Woah is me.

August 16, 2010

I am so aggravated lately. I know this is b/c my monthly friend stopped in for a visit, but damn….people are aggravating me. I think that more people should think about what they do and say before they do it. I KNOW that I am guilty of the same thing but I try to be aware.

I mean really, at what point do you think it’s a good idea to ride by my work and yell out the window. Now I have expressed my dislike for this action, but I am feeling that there wasn’t a sincere apology there. I mean I just don’t randomly drive by people’s work and yell out my car window.

I don’t even yell out my car window anyway so whatever.
Almost rear ending the car infront of me when i see someone i know is a different story.

Also there is a democratic process to the rules that I am living under. I am thinking AGAIN….this all boils down to personalities before principals which is exactly the opposite of what I and everyone else in the recovery world should be living under.
I hate feeling used. I don’t know it’s just not a good feeling. Like…are you my friend just b/c you need something? Or are you my friend because you are my friend? The ramblings of an addictive mind are so fucking overwhelming.


Am I thinking this because I’m an addict, or am I thinking this because I am a human with basic needs and emotions.

Are some of the standards that I set for other people too high?

Well, of course they are. You cannot put standards on other people and I should have learned this by now.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

So from now on I believe I will sit and watch the utter chaos of existence happen, and not try to get to involved and just breathe.

Just for today anyway. And be kind to myself.